


Fix it to Break it

by Lesbeanverse (orphan_account)



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Jemily - Freeform, Karaoke, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, emily sings her heart out, everyones like ABOUTFUCKINGTIME, hotch and rossi are gossiping while also trading bets, jj is wallowing cause she realized she made a mistake, lets prentend the song was made in 2012 and NOT 2020 OKAY, morgan is like cheering on em while also questioning wth is going on, pen is HEREFORIT while also comforting jennifer, scotch drunk emily is depressed, spence is confuzzeled, we love a pair of dilfs, yall this gets EMOTIONAL
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27617588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Lesbeanverse
Summary: Literally anyone could have stopped her from going up on that fucking stage, but they noticed. The team noticed that tension between Emily and Jennifer, it was too intoxicating and overwhelming not to notice. So no one pulled her back as the agent stood abruptly from the large round table all 7 members were situated at with a determined look on her face.orEmily's last attempt to get all of her feelings out... using karaoake.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	Fix it to Break it

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the theys the girls and the gays](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=the+theys+the+girls+and+the+gays).



> god i hate myself why would i make this ansgty. ive literally been wanting to make a jemily karaoake fic for so long and i end up with something ansgty. honestly ill probably write like 200 more jemily karaoke fics. i think its funny how i spent WEEKS going through my depressing playlist https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4PEcAI3HEIwTTegsEetSIt?si=WW_QCmm1Th6x4Q5UAFoL_Q just for youtube reccomended to give me a video of this teenaged boy singing the most perfect song in the world anyways i tried to be as detailed as possible so lets get on with it then. 

Emily shouldn't of drunken so much. She _knew_ she shouldn't, but we'll that didn't stop her. But she _knew_ vodka drunk Emily was a sad sap who can't compartmentalize. It's like the raven-hair _hoped_ vodka drunk Emily would do something, _anything_.

Emily was jumping onto a plane to London on Monday, it's _Saturday._ She was running away and she knew it. '

 _Maybe if I had faced the music, if I had just said something, anything. maybe she would've chosen me'_ and that single thought prompts Emily to invite the team to one last outing involving drink after drink after drink to distract her from the feeling of giving up.

Literally anyone could have stopped her from going up on that _fucking_ stage, but they noticed. The team noticed that tension between Emily and Jennifer, it was too intoxicating and overwhelming not to notice. So no one pulled her back as the agent stood abruptly from the large round table all 7 members were situated at with a determined look on her face. 

She made her way to the karaoake table, no one was in line. She muttered the song name and artist to the attendant, hoping the bar carried the song.

Gratefully, they did. Emily had heard it once on the radio on her way to work and instantly fell in-love. The lryics near perfectly describing how she was feeling these past few weeks.

As Emily walked up onto the stage, she looked to her friends, her _family_. Only avoiding eye contact with the same blonde she had been ignoring since she revealed she was runn- _leaving_ to London.

Hotch and Rossi give her encouarging looks as if they know what going to happen. Spencer just looks at her baffled. Morgan has a playfull glink in his eye, the sadness she's causing hiding for the evening. Penelope on the other-hand is straight out overjoyed in her seat. Emily doesn't even dare to glance at the other blonde woman next to her. They probably thinks she's gonna rap or something, little did they know gangsta emily was booze drunk emily.

The agent takes a deep breath and grips onto he microphone, as a soft piano melody fills the bar. She doesn't even look at the tv that's going to show the lyrics. Emily has broken down to this song _too many times_ not to have memorized it.

_**Remember that time I made you laugh  
I would give in to hear that sound again  
Missing the lines on both sides of your face  
And I hate that that's all I have now** _

Her strong, yet vulnerable voice echoes through the ears of audience. The brunette glances at her team once again, taking in their gasps and shocked faces before going back to her deep state of mind.

_**Am I just fixing it just to break it?  
Am I just hanging on,** _

**_ September 2011 _ **

_"I back okay? For good this time. No more fake deaths and past archenemies." Emily grabs onto JJ's biceps, staring into her light ocean eyes._

_Jennifer wraps her arms around the older woman's torso, hugging her tightly and lays her head in the crook of her neck. "Thank god. It was hell without you."_

**_just so we can drown?_ **   
**_Like the love we thought we found, no_ **   
**_We're hoping that we don't just hit the ground_ **

**_June 2012_ **

_Emily quickly walks through the bullpens glass door. Speeding up as she sees the elevator doors slowly closing, trying to make it. The doors shut just as she gets there._

_"Some place to be?" She hears a soft voice behind her. "Or are you trying to catch the fastest flight to London?"_

_Suddenly, the soft voice goes cold, hard. Emily turns around, nearly giving herself whiplash, having heard the secret no one except Rossi, Hotch, Derek, and Emily herself should know._

_The raven hair came face to face with the entire reason she was rushing out of here in the first place._

_"You didn't think to tell me? Honestly Emily, I didn't even hear it from you. What were you going to do," JJ's voice getting higher with each word, "just leave and not even say goodbye!? Last time you did that, you ended up dead across the world with three aliases."_

_Emily was fuming now._

_"I didn't owe it to you to tell you! You aren't my girlfriend, Jennifer."_

_"Well Morgan isn't your girlfriend either, but oh, he sure can know that your moving to a different continent!"_

_JJ can't believe Emily would just pack up and leave without a thought._

_"Well, Morgan is my bestfriend." Emily mutters._

_JJ takes a step foward, looking deeper into her eyes, as if trying to find something, " And what? I'm not?" She says, much softer than before._

_"No," The brunette sighs, looking down at the brown polished flooring, "not anymore"_

_DING!_

_The elevator doors glide open, and Emily slips in. A tear slips from JJ's eye, she quickly wipes it wih her thumb._

_"There are better opportunities there." The agent once again looks into Jennifer's eyes._

_All JJ sees in the those near black orbs is pain. Hidden. Compartmentalized. Pain. "There are better opportunities here too."_

_The women stand there, one in the metal box and the other on the tiled floor._

_As the elevator doors start to close once again, Emily speaks up. "But it's not like there's anything else holding me back."_

_Emily stares at the closed doors. Eyes filled with rage, sadness, and no longer unshed tears. Jennifer stares at the closed doors. Eyes filled with rage, sadness, and tears no longer unshed._

_**I've been pulling you close, but pushing me further** _   
_**I've been holding it back, that I see you different** _   
_**Sick of me reminding you to love me like you say you do** _

Emily keeps her eyes close. She doesn't want to see the _pity_ in the audiences' eyes, espiacally her team. She doesn't want to see the soft glow of the bar's light or the microphone in front of her face.

She doesn't want to see Jennifer. Not after all the pain she's caused her. Not after all of the pain they've caused _eachother_.

Emily knows she isn't innocent. She's just as guilty as the other woman. 

_**And I've been hurting myself to keep you from leaving** _   
_**I've been wondering whether we'll last the season** _   
_**Wish we could've made this work** _   
_**But now I know that I need more** _

_**March 2012** _

_Emily was tired, so fucking tiried. Not just at JJ, but at herself._

_She's tiried, frustrated, furious even at herself. For putting her feelings last for so long. For continueing this thing she had with Jennifer for so long. For never having the balls to end it, when it really never should've began._

_"I can't do this anymore, Jayje." It was sudden, they were in the back of the jet on the way home. The rest of the team sleeping towards the front._

_JJ looks up at Emily from the seat opposite of her. "What?"_

_"I said, I can't do this anymore, Jayje."_

_"Yeah, I heard that. By 'what', I meant 'what do you mean by 'I can't do this anymore.'"_

_The blonde closes her magazine and sets it on the table, before sitting up taller._

_"I think you know what I mean."_

_"Actually, I don't think I do. Why don't you enlighten me?"_

_The older agent rolls her eyes. It seems like Emily is one-sided in this upcoming arguement._

_"I can't keep pretending like what we do together is normal. I can't keep being with you without actually being with you, Jennifer. I should've never let it get this far. It was never fair to me, to you, and espiacally not fair to Will."_

_The younger agent glares at Emily. "Why don't you let me decide whether something is fair to my boyfriend and I."_

_"Oh yeah, your alpha-male boyfriend is so gonna think it's fair to him that his girl has been sleeping with the same woman since before they even met and continued to sleep with that same woman even after they had a child together."_

_"Do not bring Henry into this-."_

_"Into this what? This mess? How can I not, Jennifer?"_

_They stay silent looking down at their coffee mugs until Emily speaks up again._

_"You need to decide. I don't know when or how you will but you have to. Me or him. Cause I am tired of having to live double lives." She takes in a deep breath before continuing. "Will? Henry would continue to have everything he's ever known, except his mommy would be there more often with him instead of off screwing Aunt Emily. Me? I would do everything in my power to give you and your son the life you deserve."_

_The brunette doesn't give JJ a chance to reply because as soon as she finishes her speech, she staands up and leaves for the front of the plane._

_**I need more** _   
_**I need more** _   
_**I need more**_

Emily opens her eyes. remembering the ultimatum she gave Jennifer on that plane.

_**Afraid that I'll lose you in the crowd** _   
_**I wish that I was a priority** _

  
The raven-haired agent scans the audience, searching for those pale blue eyes she sees in her dreams and at work across the roundtable. 

  
For the first time tonight, Emily's orbs don't land on her blue dress, or luscious golden hair, but her saffire eyes.

  
Those bloodstricken nearly-black eyes try to convey as much as they can. All the pain, the hurt, and the comfort they each have felt trying to flood though small openings of understanding, of explanation.

_**Then you walked out on me** _ _**with a straight look on your face** _  
_**And said you've had enough** _

_** May 2012 ** _

  
_Knock._

  
_Emily slowly stands up from the couch in her living room, quickly pausing the house hunters reruns she was bingejng after the stressful day of saving banks from bombs._

  
_The brunette furrows her eye brows as she sees who's as the door. "Jayje? What are you doing here, it's late."_

  
_"I came to say thank you." The younger woman pushes past her through the doorway._

  
_Emily locks the door before following JJ inside._

  
_"For what?"_

  
_"For saving will..." Jennifer turns around, and makes eye contact with Emily. "If you hadn't saved him, we wouldn't be getting married."_

_The brunette freezes. "M- married?"_

_Jennifer nods, trying to find some type of reaction_

_"That's... that's amazing. Congrats, Jennifer." Emily gives her a tight lipped smile_ _before going back to a neutral expression. "Hey, I'm actually really tired. If you don't mind, I'd like you to leave."_

_"Oh."_

_The blonde blinks a few times before recollecting herself. She walks herself to the door, Emily trailing behind her. JJ's about to turn the handle when she says, "Em-"_

_"Just- just stop it, JJ." The raven hair cuts her off. "Stop it. Clearly you made your choice. So just... go, please."_

_Without another word, the engaged agent slips out the door._

  
**_But then you came back in to try to fix it_ **   
**_But never helping me when I start to drown_ **   
**_Like the love we thought we found_ **   
**_Is it worth the pain if I should stick around?_ **

**_May_ ** **_2012_ **

_Right when Jennifer makes eye contact with Emily while she's on the dance floor with her new husband, the brunette walks away faster then Spencer when he smells coffee._

_She quickly excuses herself, going after the brunette. She finally catches up to her at the all you can drink bar. But before she can say something, Emily speaks._

_"The wedding is beautiful, JJ. Really one for the story books. The brunette downs a glass of Champagne._

_"Emily, I made a mistake-"_

_"No JJ, what you made was a decision."_

_"Well, it was the wrong decision." Jennifer huffs, crossing her arms._

_Emily downs another glass. "Really took you an hour of being married to realize that."_

_She downs another one, "Or did it take you... how long has it been? 6 years to realize that?"_

_And another, "Well Jayje, it took me one glance at you from a chair in Hotch's office to realize that I'd never love anyone the way I love you."_

_The older agent reaches for a 5th glass, but JJ puts her hand over Emily's. "I think that's enough."_

_Emily pulls her hand away so fast it was as if JJ's palm was on fire._

_"You dun get to tell meh how much I can drink when I jus saw the women I wuv get mirror eyed. Mars eels. Mire eed!" She throws her hands up in frustration, the many glasses of alcohol finally taking effect._

_JJ just stares at her. The words "the woman I love" clouding her mind._

_It's not until the on-the-brink-of-drunk lady standing infront says something else that she snaps back into reality._

_"You got ur purfeck wittle happy ending, Juneifer. Be hapoy, 'cause I'll ain't ever gettin mine." Emily mutters as she stumbles away to their friends who saw the situation unfold, but didn't hear anything_.

  
**_And I've been pulling you close, but pushing me further_ **   
**_I've been holding it back, that I see you different_ **   
**_Sick of me reminding you to love me like you say you do, oh_ **

She looks away from JJ. It's all became too much, too overwhelming to handle.

The brunette closes her eyes, bopping her head to the rhythm while waiting for the lryical cue. 

  
**_And I've been hurting myself to keep you from leaving_ **   
**_I've been wondering whether we'll last the season_ **   
**_Wish we could've made this work_ **   
**_But now I know that I need more_ **

  
Emily gains confidence, looking up and meeting Jennifer's eyes as she says "Wish we could've made this work".

God how badly the older agent wishes she could just tell the other woman how she feels, and not through sad eyes or love songs, but words. Actual words. Actual feelings without a melody tuned in the background.

  
_**And I need more** _   
_**And I need more** _   
_**And I need more** _   
_**And I need more, I need more** _

Emily finishes the song, singing off softly and closing her eyes. Just barely missing JJ mouth "I love you."

She lets out a breath and whispers a quick "Thank you" before nearly tripping off stage as she walks as fast as she could off the platform.

Once the agent is back at the table, she doesn't spare a glance in the blondes direction, or anyone's direction. She throws back all 4 of the shots Derek ordered her, her partner really knows her well.

Once the last shot glass is flipped, she throws a wad of hundreds onto the table, signalling her team to pay with that. Then, she leaves out the door without uttering another word.

Having ordered a cab to arrive 5 minutes after she went on stage, the yellow buggy was there waiting for her on the curb. Emily gets in, shutting the door behind her.

The raven haired woman sighs, and mutters her address to the cab driver. Too caught up in her mind, Emily doesn't hear Jennifer yell out for her as the cab drives foward.

She doesn't see the tears in Jennifer's eyes, or the sob she lets out. Or the fact that Penelope followed JJ outside and that JJ collapsed in her arms. No, she doesn't see any of it.

All she sees is the future she never got to have or the future she never had the courage to pursue until it was too late.

Everyone except JJ know that Emily is flying off to London from an Airport in Bethesda, Washington. Not from her normal one in D.C. 

Emily just silently prays that no one will tell the younger agent. She would rather leave without a goodbye then have to face Jennifer.

**Author's Note:**

> literally anyone ask me for a part 2. I'll do it
> 
> Songs called Fix It to Break it by Colton Kane  
> https://youtu.be/fyhCyrGdtNA


End file.
